If you are in an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship, chances are you already know it.
You may feel:
– sad
– confused
– helpless
– chaotic
Maybe all of the above.
You may even find yourself avoiding home—staying late at work or filling your schedule just to stay away.
What You May Not Understand Yet
What you may not know is:
– why this is happening
– what exactly is wrong
– or whether the problem is you, the other person, or both
And more importantly:
You may not realize that these relationships often begin with who you choose—and why.
These patterns don’t just appear randomly.
They have structure. They have meaning. And they tend to repeat.
How Your Past Shapes What Feels “Normal”
When you carry emotional baggage or distorted thinking patterns (what we call cognitive distortions), you see relationships through a specific lens.
That lens is shaped by your past.
For example:
If you experienced emotional abandonment earlier in life, you may become highly attuned to it—or even unconsciously drawn to it.
Familiar doesn’t mean healthy—but your brain often treats it that way.
Your brain prefers what it recognizes. It likes having a “template” or schema for how things work—even if that template is not good for you.
Why These Relationships Lead to Anxiety and Depression
When a relationship starts to go wrong, it’s not just upsetting—it affects your entire system.
What starts as discomfort can turn into:
– ongoing anxiety
– depression
– emotional exhaustion
– a sense of helplessness
When you feel:
– controlled
– put down
– emotionally unsafe
– or stuck
Your mental health will suffer.
This is especially true in toxic or unstable relationships, where unpredictability and stress become constant.
Four Types of Relationships That Create This Pattern
Here are four common types of relationships I see. This isn’t a complete list, but it will help you start identifying what may be happening.
1. Abusive Relationships
This can be physical or verbal.
If you are in a physically abusive situation, you should seek help immediately.
Emotional abuse is just as damaging.
I have rarely seen someone in an emotionally abusive relationship who is not also struggling with anxiety and depression.
2. Abandoning Relationships
These relationships are built around the threat of abandonment—whether it’s spoken directly or implied.
You may feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells.
Living in a state of:
– fear
– instability
– “impending doom”
The other person often controls the relationship through that fear.
And those patterns are usually driven by their unresolved issues—not yours.
3. Narcissistic Relationships
If you are in a relationship with a narcissistic person, you likely feel:
– invisible
– unappreciated
– alone
Your partner is elevated. You are diminished.
Your accomplishments may be ignored—or even criticized.
They may:
– manipulate others’ perceptions
– appear charming publicly
– undermine you privately
Over time, this dynamic erodes your self-esteem and increases anxiety and depression.
4. Chaotic Relationships
These relationships feel out of control.
They may involve:
– substance abuse
– infidelity
– gambling
– financial instability
– poor judgment
Or just ongoing instability that never settles.
Your life starts revolving around managing chaos.
And when your environment feels out of control, your nervous system responds with:
– anxiety
– stress
– eventual emotional shutdown
Why This Impacts You So Deeply
When you feel helpless to change your situation, your mood will decline.
This isn’t random.
Anxiety and depression in these situations are not weaknesses—they are signals.
They are telling you something in your life is not right.
A Critical Misunderstanding
One of the most damaging things I see is this:
People begin to believe something is wrong with them.
They think:
– “I must be the problem”
– “I must have a disorder”
– “This is just how I am”
They may even take medications that don’t help—because you cannot medicate another person’s behavior away.
And in the worst cases, this leads to a reversal of reality:
They begin to believe the unhealthy partner is right—and they are wrong.
That’s the cycle.
Where to Focus Instead
The focus has to shift back to you.
– Build your self-esteem
– Strengthen your thinking
– challenge the patterns keeping you stuck
Whether that’s through:
– therapy
– coaching
– self-help work
The method matters less than the consistency.
If one approach doesn’t work—try another.
Something will click.
One Important Shift
The moment you stop letting someone drain you, you will start to feel better.
Even before anything else changes.
That decision alone begins to restore your sense of control.
Final Thought
Just because you are in a bad relationship does not mean you are stuck with a bad life.
It may mean:
– being alone for a while
– shifting your focus
– making difficult choices
But it can change.
And it starts with understanding what is really happening.
